Well, thursdays are open house day,
And on fridays, we do happy hour after work.
Do we get paid for that? [ laughs ] no!
It's an opportunity to get to know your co-workers better.
Mm. Pass. [ sighs ]
That is why I hired you. You are always negotiating.
And now we can be a team instead of competitors.
Oh, like those chipmunks. I am alvin.
Okay.
Here is the first property I need you to sell.
A condo? [ vacuum whirring ]
Ashley, give me something good. I can sell anything.
Well, if you want a challenge -- the allen house.
[ whistles ] the allen house?
No one ever goes in. No one ever comes out.
Well, that makes sense if no one ever goes in.
[ whirring continues ]
We've had the allen house on the market for years,
And nobody's been able to sell it.
It has a rodent problem.
It's pet-friendly.
The roof has a hole. Skylight.
There was a brutal murder there.
So statistically, another murder is unlikely.
Okay, great.
[ papers rustle ]
Here you go.
The address is 44 west 44th street.
Aw, helno! [ thud ]
Well, in the chinese culture, the number 4 is bad luck.
On account it's pronounced si,
Which sounds like the chinese word for "death," sî.
The garbage man is right.
Promote him to garbage boss.
♪ fresh off the boat
♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪
♪ if you don't know, homey, now you know ♪
♪ fresh off the boat
♪ homey don't know where I come from ♪
♪ but I know where I'm goin'
♪ I'm fresh off the boat
Can you please come in here?
I don't want to be in the same room as that flier.
Eddie: My mom wasn't trying to be around any bad luck.
That's why she banned all the number 4s in the house.
What time is it? [ scrubbing ]
Quarter to "h."
[ magazine thuds ] it's just "forbes" magazine.
It's too close.
Yay! I'm 3!
I'm second 3! [ noisemaker toots ]
[ paper crumples ]
Fours aren't so bad. There's four ninja turtles.
You mean those karate frogs who eat pizza in a sewer?
That seems bad.
Emery, don't even try.
Mom is crazy superstitious.
You know that stevie wonder song "superstition"?
She won't listen to it
Because she thinks that's what made him blind.
I am not crazy superstitious.
You know who's crazy superstitious? Grandma.
She won't face north.
She thinks jade wards off evil spirits.
And have you seen her room?
[ paula cole's "where have all the cowboys gone?" playing ]
Hmm.
[ speaking mandarin ]
♪
You have to be patient with grandma.
Every generation gets less and less superstitious,
Just like how they get less and less racist.
Well, me avoiding that number has kept this family protected.
Sure, but didn't you tell your boss you can sell anything?
Yes, but it's not about my ability --
Besides, the extra money wouldn't hurt.
The restaurant's been a little slow lately,
So I was thinking about getting a mechanical bull
To steein the crowds.
Did you get it?
Yes. It's hilarious.
I don't have to laugh to think it's funny.
Oh, okay. [ chuckles ]
[ school bell rings ]
Who wants the latest 2pac?
Dubbed straight from the radio.
5 bucks makes it happen.
I'll give you $3.
Yo, is this a farmers market?
Am I selling squash?
Get outta here, haggle-puss!
Are you selling bootleg cds?
[ students murmuring ]
You know I was. [ jewel case clatters ]
You didn't lie to me. I like that.
Eddie huang, right?
You're that new teacher with the ponytail.
Ray. Yeah, they -- they make me put it back.
And I'm not a teacher. I'm a counselor.
Friendship is my curriculum.
Does that mean I'm not gonna get detention?
Eddie, I'm not about punishment.
But I am about you channeling that hustle
Into something more positive,
Like student council.
You'll get one free period every day.
Really?
And you'll get to show celebrity visitors
Around the school.
Like shaq.
Well, I was gonna say mcgruff
Or the helping hand from hamburger helper,
But if shaq visits,
Uh, sure. [ gasps ]
[ chair thuds ]
Think about it, eddie.
Look into your third eye.
My...
Butthole?
No! No. No, no. No, no. No! No! No.
Uh...It's like an inner peace thing.
You know what? It's cool. Just...Forget it.
This is so big.
How many bedrooms?
Jessica: [ in distance ] between three and five!
Man: Are you going to come inside?
No. I'm good here! I don't want to crowd you.
Oh, thank you.
I really appreciate your laid-back attitude.
[ sighs deeply ]
I have to go yell through the back window.
Don't go inside that house.
We don't want the bad energy to get on us,
Especially you, eddie.
Don't forget to check out the spacious walk-in closets!
So are you really gonna run for class president?
Yeah, man. Shaq and a free period?
Which I've already started calling "naps 101."
[ laughs ] naps 101!
Like dalmatians, but with naps!
[ laughing ] I think you've got a good shot.
You got an everyman's husky build
And a middle class background, so people can relate to you.
Man, people don't think about that. [ continues laughing ]
All they care about is a cool slogan.
And got a dope one.
Oh, god! Naps 101!
Oh, man, you killed me with that, eddie.
I'm starting to think about it. Here I go again!
[ laughing ]
"this hoo-wang can make it right"?
It's pronounced wong.
And it's a play on "wrong."
All day with this.
Dave: Cool. Chocolate dreidels.
Phillip goldstein for president!
Choose the chosen one!
Play a free game of "street fighter"
And vote for brock.
Don't leave your ballot blanka.
Vote for trent! [ students gasp and murmur ]
Boy: Scottie pippen?!
My dad is his accountant.
Who wants a free pair of airs?
Air jordans?
No, man.
I got something even better.
Air pippens.
Andrew wants those.
What?! I do not!
Mom, I don't wanna eat! Eating is lame!
Sounds like you got a big appetite for fun!
Louis: Finnegan. Which is why here...
[ whip cracks ] at the golden saddle,
We just opened up our kids corral!
Louis: I hate this guy.
[ whip cracks ] we have all the latest games,
Like...
[ whip cracks ] and...
[ laughs ]
Oh, water squirt.
So bring the whole family down to the golden saddle.
[ whip cracks ] 'cause just like the food,
The fun is well done.
[ whip cracks ]
God, the budget on this thing must've been insane. [ door opens ]
Louis?
[ door closes ] I sold it.
I sold the allen house!
[ squeals ] congratulations! I knew you could do it!
[ laughs ] ashley alexander bought me
A bottle of champagne to celebrate.
Mmm. I took it back to the liquor store,
Bought nine snickers and a crystal pepsi.
Oh.
I'm seeing you through a pepsi.
[ both laugh ]
What a day!
I told you there was nothing to worry about.
I already got my commission check.
Great. We can get that mechanical bull asap
And cruthe kid corral.
I'm gonna treat myself to a pedicure done by a white lady.
Oh. That's when you know you've made it.
Mm.
[ whispers ] oh, no. Oh, my god.
I know. Taxes, right?
No. Look at this check number.
No. No, no, no, no. Don't -- don't look at that check number.
Look at all the other numbers.
No. Look at the ones after the dollar sign.
The bad luck followed me! [ sighs ]
Louis, we can't keep this money.
Yes, we can. We totally can.
No, we can't! It's tainted! [ sighs ]
If we keep this, something bad is gonna happen to our family.
Please. We need to get rid of this.
[ sighs ]
Okay.
If that's what you really believe, I'll support you.
[ exhales sharply ] this is for the best.
Mm-hmm. [ exhales deeply ]
For the best. [ paper rips ]
Hello. I'd like to cash this check, please.
Oh. Is this your grandson?
Granddaughter. [ thud ]
I'm sorry, sir.
Ma'am.
[ muzak playing ]
Hello. I'd like to cash this check, please...
Ma'am?
Ma'am. [ chuckles ]
Everyone,
Meet...Romeo.
I wish I could. Right, girls?
[ scoffs ] you don't always have to be on, vanessa. Check this out.
[ electricity crackles ]
[ deep, ominous voice ] moo.
Uh, that's kinda scary.
Don't be silly.
This is how we're gonna compete with golden saddle's kid corral.
They may have water squirt, but we have 8 seconds of glory.
I had 8 seconds of glory last night. Right, girls?
It's the morning, vanessa. Please, just stop it.
Oh. Hey, louis?
Your family's here. What?
We gotta hide romeo.
Quick, cover him up and don't mention him to jessica.
Mitch: All right. Um, here, get that tablecloth.
She doesn't know? But she comes in all the time.
What is your long-term plan?
Well, what's your long-term plan, nancy?!
You know I wanna hire a detective
To find my real mother!
I... [ chuckles ] [ door opens ]
Hey! What are you guys doing here?
Well, I have three open houses today,
So I was hoping you could look after the boys this afternoon.
Absolutely. No problem.
Thank you for being so understanding
About that commission check. Aw.
Tonight, I'm going to make your favorite pork bone stew.
I wish I -- don't.
Whatever you're about to say, I'm sure it's hilarious.
[ chuckles ]
So people didn't like your slogan?
That doesn't mean you still can't win.
I'm up against "street fighter" and chocolate tops.
I'll be lucky if I even beat the scottie pippen kid.
Evan, do you need to go pee?
No.
Yes, but peeing is so boring,
And I don't want to miss anything.
Nothing's gonna happen.
[ sighs deeply ]
Boomin' onion, mr. President?
Dad, there's no way I'm gonna win.
Well, win or lose, we're putting it on your college application
Because you literally have nothing.
It's just "was born, likes lunch, ran for president."
Do you think it'd be gross to dip this in clam chowder?
I'm-a find out.
Uhh! [ groans ] moo.
I take a boring pee-pee and I miss everything!
This is grandma falling out of her wheelchair all over again!
What are you complaining about? I'm the one who broke my arm.
I'm never missing anything again!
Evan, see how long you can cover your ears.
Okay!
Hey, boys, we can't let mom know
Eddie tripped over the cord of the mechanical bull
And broke his arm.
I didn't tell her I bought it,
And if she finds out, she'll be very upset.
But why didn't you tell her?
Because she's crazy superstitious.
She's gonna think this is related to the allen house,
Which it's not.
So...You're telling us to lie.
Well, sometimes a little white lie is okay,
If it's for a greater good.
For example, your mom has those jeans
With the zipper that's 6 inches long.
Do I tell her it looks like her body's half crotch?
No. I say, beautiful blue jeans, honey."
The truth would be unnecessary and hurtful.
We just passed the corner
Where my friend j.J. Almost got into that guy's van.
And then he tripped on a rug and fell.
Yeah, a little white rug.
[ chuckles nervously ] emery, go to your room.
[ clears throat ]
Well, you are lucky you only broke your left arm.
You can still do your homework.
Imagine what he would have broken
If we had cashed that check.
His head! Hmm.
I'll go get some white flower oil.
Speed up the healing process.
Beautiful blue jeans, mom!
Oh! Nice touch, eddie.
See? A little white lie never hurt anyone.
So we all ate chocolate dreidels
While phillip cleared up his stance on santa.
He's for him.
Hmm.
Hey, what happened to your arm?
I tripped on a rug.
Huh.
Anyway, so I was so amped up on chocolate
That I ran through scottie pippen's legs,
Like, five times.
I'm definitely voting for trent.
It's just, when you throw so many punches,
It's easy to lose your balance.
Whoa. Wait. What happened?
Well...
When I came to, five high school kids
Were trying to steal our "street fighter" machine. [ students murmur ]
Then what happened?
Well, when I came to again,
They were giving our mascot loggy an indian burn!
[ students murmur ] which is especially bad for a log.
Then what happened?
When our "street fighter" game
And loggy's honor are on the line,
I got no problem taking on 16 kids. [ students murmuring ]
That's when I pulled out my dad's machete...
It grazed my arm, but I recovered.
'cause I'm eddie huang, and I'm your street fighter!
[ cheering ]
[ click ]
[ de la soul's "me myself and I" playing ]
♪ it's just me, myself, and I
♪
♪ it's just me, myself, and I
♪
♪ it's just me, myself -- [ click, music stops ]
Hail to the chief, y'all.
Say hello to the new sixth grade president.
I'm the abe lincoln of abe lincoln middle school!
Oh! [ laughs ]
[ cheering ]
Looks like our good luck continues.
Sure does. [ chuckles ]
[ doorbell rings ]
Can I help you?
Mrs. Parker from child services.
I'm here to investigate possible parental neglect in the home.
Oh, you want that kid down the street -- dave.
He always has a kool-aid mustache.
Nobody's wiping his face.
We're concerned about an injury your son sustained.
A school employee didn't believe eddie's story
About how he broke his arm, and it raised a red flag.
Sorry I'm late.
The sun was peeking through the clouds,
And it was so beautiful, I had to stop.
I still don't understand why child services was called.
Before we get into it,
I just wanna say that this...
Is a safe zone.
And that's why I brought...
The share clam.
If I pass it to you,
Share how you're feeling.
We're hearing conflicting reports
About how eddie broke his arm.
First, he said he tripped.
Then he got into a fight with a bunch of kids.
Then he had his dad's machete.
Louis: Machete? I don't have a machete.
That's a jungle weapon.
Eddie, why are you making up all these crazy stories?
Well, dad said it was okay to tell a lie
If it was for good.
It was the only way I could win the election.
I said a little white lie, not this.
Now tell these nice people the truth
About how you broke your arm.
Eddie.
You were at cattleman's and you tripped...
On the cord to the new mechanical bull.
[ lowered voice ] no, I meant the other truth.
The rug truth. But that's a lie, too.
You're killing me, man!
What mechanical bull?
Dad didn't want you to know about it.
Louis!
Okay, clearly, this has been a misunderstanding...
One of five this month, ray.
Sometimes a kid throws up.
It doesn't mean they're getting poisoned.
Twice, though? Two throw-ups? No way.
Wait a minute.
Where did you get the money to buy a mechanical bull?
[ toilet flushes, door opens ]
Who are these people?
What...On earth...
Did I miss?
Okay, so I grounded eddie,
Told him it wasn't okay to lie under any circumstances.
Well, who's gonna ground you, louis? [ sighs ]
You're the one who told him it was okay to lie.
For a good reason -- to help the restaurant,
Which helps our family.
It was crazy to rip up that check
Just because it had 4s on it.
Oh, it was crazy, huh?
Look at all this bad luck we've had since you cashed that check!
Two woman detectives show up, we're fighting,
Eddie broke his arm!
Those are just random coincidences.
His forearm? I don't think so.
[ sighs ] look, jessica,
Sometimes bad things just happen
And there's no explanation for it.
[ sighs ]
Okay, fine.
If you think superstitions are nonsense,
Take off your jade necklace.
My necklace?
But I've worn this since I was born.
It's like a birthmark on a chain.
And this has nothing to do with superstition.
Well, then it should be no problem to take it off.
Okay. [ chuckles ]
I'll take it off.
[ chuckles ]
Just a necklace. Mm-hmm.
Not a big deal.
[ chuckles ]
[ inhales sharply and gulps ]
[ ticking loudly ] [ thinking ] why is that so loud?
It's hot in here. Wait. Now it's cold.
[ voice echoing ]
[ cries ]
What's happening to me?
[ growling ] why am I so...
[ grunts, inhales sharply ]
[ exhales deeply, chuckles ]
[ hisses ] g-g-g-give me my jade!
Give me my jade! Okay. [ panting ] okay.
[ panting ] whew!
Oh! [ exhales deeply ]
[ continues panting ] okay, fine.
I guess superstition is real if you believe in it.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I told eddie to lie.
[ exhales deeply ]
I'll get rid of the bull.
We're gonna have to do a lot more than that.
We've invited bad luck into our home.
It's on us. It's on the kids.
[ sighs ] I don't know how to fix it.
I know who does.
[ mystical music playing ]
Mom, we need to talk to you.
Huh? [ door closes ]
Uh, sorry, mom. We just really needed to talk to you.
We have invited bad luck into our home,
And we need you to get rid of it.
How did you know?
Ah.
[ high-pitched voice ] "give me my jade!
Give me my jade!"
[ school bell rings ]
Hey, eddie.
Any fallout from that whole emotional jam session?
What? How are you feeling?
Oh. Well, my parents grounded me for lying.
At least I'm still president.
And I'm psyched for the free period. Naps 101!
Yeah, about that --
Apparently, that free period is actually
A "go to the principal's office and lick envelopes" period.
What? Budget cuts.
They need the student body to pitch in.
I thought this job was gonna be all about naps and shaq.
Maybe he'd playfully put me on his shoulders,
Or let me stick both of my feet into one of his shoes.
I don't know.
Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
I'm new here. Apparently, this place sucks.
I guess it's just our bad luck.
[ whispers ] bad luck.
[ grandma chanting in mandarin ]
Eddie: So grandma went into the zodiac books,
Called up some aunties,
And performed a ritual to take away our bad luck.
[ whispers ] is this gonna work?
[ whispers ] shh! Let her concentrate!
Wow. These people have some crazy traditions, right?
Bananas. [ clatter ]
Oh!
[ scoffs ] raining salt?
Too bad it's not raining men!
Ugh!
Right, girls? [ inhales sharply ]
Why'd you make us buy all those garfield mugs for the ceremony?
You didn't even use them.
Well, I'm glad we all got through that as a family.
And now we can put this chapter behind --
You are still grounded.
[ scoffs ] you hard, woman!
Eddie, don't call your mother "woman."
Garfield should have a mug that says "naps 101."
[ glasses clink ] [ giggles ]
So your company's set up in delaware,
But you live in florida.
[ ball bounces ] the tax man can't touch you.
[ sighs ] that's great.
You know, I'm always looking for a loophole -- breakaway!
[ laughs ]
I did it! I scored on scottie pippen.
[ laughs ] I was giving you tax advice, bro.
[ grunts ]
It's not shaq's shoe,
But I guess it'll do.
Y'all are a rude-ass family. [ ball bounces ]
Scottie? Mr. Pippen!
Mr. Pippen! Mr. Pippen!
[ sighs ]
I gotta stop drinking water.